Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Goals of a 23-year-old idiot:

  • Be mature enough to have a semblance of a ‘medicine cabinet.’ Every time I get sick I just roll down to my roommates door and moan Cetrizine at them until they shove it under the door so I can shut up. I also get a lot of papercuts and do nothing but scream FUCK at them. It’d be nice to have access to some bandaids and little medicines and be a functioning human being who is prepared for some small disasters.
  • Maybe not be on Facebook so much. Not in that smug way people who have ‘gotten off Facebook’ tell you when you meet them at a party and they announce to the whole party ‘well I’ve just DELETED my facebook I don’t NEED THAT CLUTTER IN MY LIFE’ and then stare at everybody with a fucking grin on their face like they deserve a medal. Just maybe I shouldn’t slowly drool onto the keyboard as I click through some random profile pictures for the 90,000 time.
  • Be vaguely aware of the things I am piling into my mouth like I am a bulldozer on a construction site. 
  • Be vaguely aware of the money I am throwing into a fiery garbage can of coke and rent and orange juice.
  • Gain some wine knowledge. Whenever I go to a slightly nice restaurant (okay, with my parents or that ONE FRIEND who has a real job) and they go ‘would you like to see the wine menu’ I stare at the wine menu and go ‘well, which one will get me the DRUNKEST at the fastest pace?’ No, no. I need to start knowing what oaky backwash or plum notes or whatever the fuck I’m supposed to know about wine, and at least decide what kind of wine is the best (and not shiraz because it’s usually 13.5%). And then I need to be able to order that before  I decide "fuck this shit ,I need to get high."
  • And in the spirit of wine, maybe I will only drink wine out of wine glasses from now on.
  • Fuck that, only in PUBLIC.
  • Start doing adult things before I go to bed at night like not having pre-dinner and post-dinner.
  • Start doing adult things in the morning like getting up early and eating breakfast while reading the paper. Even if the breakfast is old cornflakes that was lying around and I’m reading the paper online, I swear I will be one of those people that is so caught up on current events, nobody wants to play Jeopardy with me.
  • Maybe I’m making my goals too big. I was going to say ‘keep a plant alive’ but I know that’s impossible, that plant is as good as fucking dead. How about cleaning my bed sheets once a month or at least doing laundry. How about I just start DOING MY LAUNDRY?  I’m going to start doing more laundry or just buying more underwear. 
  • Organize my computer. Wait, your desktop is filled with ridiculous amounts of pictures and documents too, right? And your gmail is like, 7,000 emails in? Please tell me I am not the only idiot who forgets to erase all his e-mails in case I really DID care who posted what to me and when.
  • No more purchases of: random T-shirts and other shit I never use. Oh, you bet your ASS I will keep the ones I have, but maybe I should invest in purchasing some clothing item that doesn’t cost a few thousand bucks and continues to make me look like a fourteen-year-old. Not that it doesn’t work for Brad Pitt, but I bought so many clothes last year I couldn’t afford the one cool pair of shoes I really want. And I didn’t even get the TagHuer in the end. 
  • Lose only one ATM card this year, keep my vehicle insurance card with me, and stop stepping on my headphones.
  • Stop wiping my hands on my pants.
  • Instead of staring at foodgawker all the time, perhaps now is the time to actually cook in my kitchen. Like, go to the store and buy fresh vegetables and make something other than stir fry or ‘roast thing with garlic powder’ or stick to boiled eggs. And try to do that more than once a month. More importantly, ask my mom how to make all my childhood recipes I loved as a kid so I can make them for somebody else, one day, too.
  • Ask somebody on a date.
  • Go on a date.
  • Eat pizza for breakfast. Never done it, and this tortures me.
  • Continue to not hear my selfish streak whine.
  • Do something that takes some courage. Man up. Not because I’m getting older, but because I guess now I need to have cool stories to tell people when I’m old someday. This is not a ‘I should travel thing’ even though I want to travel. I just refuse to still be the guy who says ‘I’m going to travel’ as a way of saying ‘no I haven’t fucking travelled" this does not make me a PHILISTINE THIS MAKES ME POOR.’
  • Start doing that whole 'save money in my savings account thing’ HAHHAHA MAYBE IF THE WORLD SOLD EVERYTHING FOR FREE! okay maybe just 10000 RUPEES in my savings. In case I lose an eye or something!
  • Stop complaining so much, stop "DON'T GIVE A FUCKING DAMN" so much, stop rolling my eyes, stop watching so much television, and just generally have a good fucking time.
  • Never stop drinking coffee, watching Disney Movies, getting excited on weekend mornings, having crushes, and every other thing that isn’t just for kids any more because its ME AS AN ADULT.
  • Maybe find out what being responsible is. MAYBE.

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